the parts the get some people upset, my explanations

Because I do respect art for art and how meaning when explained without anything left to the imagination  for people can plug the rug out (which really upsets just about anyone)

I do see how it can remove the magic that was once their and appeared to define beauty. And it's just not me (not who I am is what I mean and not as in I am not the only one)

I over explain nearly everything until it seems that the very life that seemed to spark and be so long in coming sometime will also become a cycling point and one of frustration

That is probably more close to who I am, how I are in or on most days if you knew me beyond the words I post. How I am gets tedious, and frustrating. Trust if you can find someone who I talk to outside of what I post I promise you that even if they love me to death, a common theme would be "I have to admit  that on more than one occasion I thought for sure he was so far into that deep end that his sanity and him had permanent restraining orders"

Basically a feeling of comfort  that someone that far gone is not someone I have to deal with in person on a daily basis. My own real life honest to god birth mother has asked so many times that I honestly can hear the thoughts in her head by the tone of just an initial greeting like "hi" and from that I always know without a doubt when it will be followed by "please don't upset but I wouldn't be a good mother if I didn't ask so... are you drinking again?"

and of course if she is there in person those question are answered without asking by a searching for the pin point in my eyes stare or more tell tale a long inhaling hug where her nose ziz-zag across my head and then to both shoulders. Which always draws a simple but painful response from me that I know I need to curb because I do understand it hurts her to hear it and I DO respect and love my Latter Day Saint Mother. The questions I handle fine it is huge sniffing hug that my automatic response is a furrowed brow and a WTF! mom?

And hearing the fuck word draws the same shameful look as lighting a cigarette which anyone else would then ask "you dick! you had your name removed from the churches records didn't you?" (a mother frown due to sincere loving worry whether misguided or mistaken still SHOULD affect any man) Cause often those looks are completely uncalled for yet I can never say she has no right because she seriously has experienced times of a living hell that were directly inflicted because of something that happened to me (some completely out of my control and not due to any choices I made which directed my future and also times that were due to the fact that previous choices I had made which I knew were not good choices that had directed my future into tragic events)

but back to the question she asked which IS often a reasonable question. I DO STUPID THINGS I SAY STUPID and un-thought out words and on occasion as if they were on cue yet completely out of the blue at the absolute worst times. I have said things in places that were such that the most understanding and compassionate saint would slap me so hard it would draw blood. And only because I do not always realize it at that moment my lips might tremble for a split second in trying to hold back a smile (but only for a second and I have always wished I had never even had the thought of my actions cross my mind)

and it is stuff like that that is most likely the reason for temporary extreme sorrow (because I at times cause extreme unnecessary sorrow or anger in others)

But I am completely joking when I say I would hit another person unless they had me backed into a corner and then only after I pleaded. I do NOT like violence, I do not like to watch senseless violence for sport and I literally get a sick feeling when actual physical violence takes place near me and sometimes a shudder or upset stomach happens and I am not aware that it was due to violence I was not aware of but was in close proximity. Everybody looses when physical violence occurs and most people (thanks to TV) are not aware of the physical and mental damage that takes place to everyone involved INCLUDING the winner of a fight)

Because they always suck and I am telling you that it is not a rare occurance that a black eye heal more completely and more quickly than injured fingers, knuckles, wrist or hand. I promise you this is true I know it because I have felt it both ways and I believe there is a strong message in that lesson whether or not other people will admit to it. Because trust me when you see somebody wince in pain in a handshake weeks after they beat someone up and you ask what is the matter, and they say nothing, that is just a person lying only to himself. I will always smirk at those instances and not because I am thinking they should learn how to hold their fist but because I do recognize the worst enemy I have is myself, and if there is such a thing as "a worst enemy" I feel that is an important thing to honestly identify or I will rapidly do more harm and practice more hate and misplaced anger than anybody I could ever label as "evil"

 I should also say that I am far more right brain then left and pretty much every word written that seems more like a creative story or sometimes even poetry, they were not my ideas, or my original thoughts. All of it is a twist or a spin off or added on thought that I do write on a whim but ALWAYS in a response, agreement or reflection from someone else and rarely devised on my own. I try to be as honest as I can or else I am not being serious at all and in a strange way neither of that or any of this is really anywhere close to who I am. My strongest desires are not to create or influence anyone at all. Who I am is more like a person who has an unhealthy obsession with needing to know how, why, and what makes or enables anything and everything to work, live, function as an individual or by itself as well as in it's natural order in life or cycle as part of a system. That is who I am, and while my heart is usually in the right place I am also rude at times during the meantimes.

I haven't re-read it back I do not remember ANY sarcasm whatsoever as I typed